Today

Phantom symptoms (7dpo):

-Queasiness after bloodwork. This may seem like it's stupid, but I am always perfectly fine with bloodwork and have never felt strange afterwards. So this was different for me, even if it is just totally a fluke from the bloodwork.

-Pounding headache.

-Pink-tinged creamy CM, which I have never had before, and is coming after 2 days of very random red drops on the toilet paper (can hardly even call that spotting).

-Overwhelming hope. ::sigh:: I told myself, "don't get excited. Don't read into things. Don't test early. Don't get your hopes up." FAIL. Well, I haven't tested... I am not that stupid. I will wait until Thursday (10dpo) at the earliest and that's only because I have 5 internet cheapies so I don't care about wasting one or two for early testing.

-Very tired. I wouldn't say I'm feeling exhausted, but the last couple days I have had virtually no energy and have just wanted naps. Could also be the time change. ::shrugs::

Like I said, phantom symptoms.

Spotting again

Looks the same as yesterday. Only after a bowel movement. I assume all the pressure of the BM pushes those few drops of blood out from my cervix. I inspected all other areas to see if I was bleeding from something else (since it's red) and nothing. I wish I knew what is common for me on Clomid, but since it's my first Clomid cycle, I have no idea if this is common for me or abnormal.

I have started feeling super hopeful today. I don't know why. I hate being hopeful. It just sets me up for major let down and I know that. Logically, I realize that conception is not as easy as we'd hope it would be, but I know we have very good timing and I'm having this mysterious spotting that is causing me to think it could be implantation.

If I were pregnant right now, my due date would be November 29th. For some reason, that just feels good to say. In my last pregnancy, I didn't feel connected at all and wasn't optimistic at all. Physically I didn't feel pregnant, but mentally and emotionally I didn't either. I don't know if that's because I had already been through a m/c and I was naturally pessimistic, or if it's because subconsciously I knew that it wasn't going to end well.

I thought I would feel the same way about TTC this time and becoming pregnant again. Maybe it's the medication that's giving me more hope. Or maybe it's because it might actually end well this time. I wish I knew, of course, how it will all end up, but in the meantime, I truly feel like this may end the way I hope it will.

And now... I'm quite possibly jinxing myself for saying such things.

::knocks on wood::

In the 2WW

At least, I think I am. My chart says I'm 5dpo today. I went in at 3dpo for bloodwork (CD 21 routine bloodwork, which ideally is at 7dpo, but I didn't ovulate on CD 14 like the textbook says I should). Doctor called yesterday with my bloodwork results and it had not shown that I ovulated. I was bummed out.

I told her that I was pretty certain (based on a +OPK and charting my temps) that I was only 3dpo at the time of the bloodwork so she asked me to come in Monday which will be 7dpo for more bloodwork. Hopefully, it shows I ovulated like my chart does and that my progesterone levels are good. If they aren't, I'll be going on progesterone supplements.

If it doesn't show that I O'd, then she wants to try me on 100mg of Clomid next cycle. She's also going to discuss with me taking the Clomid on CD 3-7 rather than CD 5-9 which could help me to O earlier, around CD 14 like I am "supposed" to.

If it shows that I O'd but all my numbers are low, then she doesn't think I had a good chance at conception and still wants to try me on 100mg of Clomid next cycle for a stronger O. (Oh goody... does that mean twice as much acne for me?!... and headaches?! Yay!)

If I ovulated and my numbers are decent/good, then she'll keep me on 50mg of Clomid next cycle if I didn't conceive this cycle.

I had spotting this morning. A few dots of red blood only when I wiped. At first I though I could be bleeding down there, like had a bump or a cut or something since it was bright red (spotting for me is usually brown right before AF shows). It's awfully early for any spotting to happen even with my typically short LP. I also feel a bit crampy like AF is coming. I don't typically get stomach cramps but more so lower back aches. I will be seriously disappointed if AF comes as early as usual. Honestly, if I'm not pregnant this cycle I will be totally OK with that. I just really, really want my LP to be a normal length so I can lift that weight off my shoulders. After all, that's the only reason I went on Clomid in the first place. The spotting could be implantation, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up. It does sound an awful lot like what is described online... so I guess only time will tell if that's what it is.

In the past, my LP would be up in 4 days. If AF comes in 6-8 days, I will be happy! I do have cheap pregnancy tests on hand, but I don't even feel tempted at this point. I guess I just don't have my hopes up especially hearing the bloodwork results yesterday. Maybe if my bloodwork comes back better on Tuesday I will start to feel more like it's possible that I'm pregnant.

Working toward 2 things is way better than 1.

Why should my whole life revolve around TTC? It SHOULDN'T! ::whacks forehead::

Ever since I decided that I shouldn't have to choose between 2 things: getting pregnant & going to NK9 - I have been sooooo much happier, more relaxed, content, happy, etc. If I *had* to choose one it would definitely be getting pregnant because that is ultimately what I want most in life, of course. But that doesn't mean my life has to stop and other goals have to be put on hold to make that happen.

So, we will continue this cycle (obviously) and do one more Clomid cycle next time (if needed) and after that, I'll be going to NK9! If I become pregnant - YAY!!! If not, at least I will have been looking forward and excited about this other adventure in my life, and we can resume TTC plans when I return.

I know this post is pretty similar to my last one, but just wanted to write it out how excited I am with this decision/compromise. It really isn't much of a compromise because I'm working toward 2 things that make me really happy.

Blah

I'm so over this cycle already. That's really quite silly of me to say, but it's true. Taking temperatures every morning hoping that my temp goes up is an emotional rollercoaster. I really had hoped that Clomid would help me O a few days sooner, but it doesn't appear that will be the case.

I am hesitant to say, but it looks like I may have ovulated yesterday. I got a positive OPK on Sunday, then my temp dropped yesterday morning and spiked this morning. But if you look at my chart, it has pretty much done that the last week and a half... drop big, spike up, then drop again. So, I am not really hopeful that it will stay up tomorrow. I fully expect another drop, just because.

I have bloodwork on Thursday afternoon to see if I've ovulated and to test my progesterone. I feel like that's stupid when I know I haven't ovulated, but it's part of the process. If I *did* ovulate yesterday, then maybe it won't be pointless after all, so I certainly hope I did. Why pay for bloodwork when it's pointless? Dr. said I had to do it in order to continue on Clomid, so I will go as planned.

In other news... DH and I made the decision that we will try one more round of Clomid and if we're not successful, I will go to National K9 this summer. I know, I am crazy. It's just that now that I am focusing on getting pregnant, I am starting to miss the idea of going to NK9. It just shows how important both things are to me. Honestly, if I became pregnant I would not regret canceling NK9 at ALL. But if I don't get pregnant, then why not go? My Dr. doesn't want me to be on Clomid longer than 3 cycles at a time, so stopping at 2 cycles isn't that big of a difference. It would give my body a break over the summer and then I could try it again (or whatever we decide with my Dr.) once I get back.

So, right now I am focusing on both things. I'm continuing my plan for NK9 and assuming I will go, but if we become pregnant in the time being, that would just be wonderful.

So I'm obsessive, but I'm not.

I honestly feel like I'm not obsessing this go 'round. The last time we were TTC, it was all-consuming for me. All I could do was think about becoming pregnant, looking at baby websites, reading baby books, researching baby products, etc. It's all I could talk about with anyone who would listen (usually just family and DH). I had a hard time focusing on anything else!

But this time, I really am not letting it consume me. I'm not sure why. It's not taking much effort to do so. We have a lot going on in other aspects of our life, so it doesn't leave me much time to obsess. I think it's a good thing! We are deep into a landscaping project out front and when it's finished, we'll be even deeper in a BIG landscaping renovation in the backyard. Work is keeping me super busy so there's not much time to relax at all. My sister is pregnant, so I've been spending a lot of time thinking about her, helping her, and talking with my family about her future little one.

Part of me IS obsessive, though. My chart. ::sigh:: I think it's because it's my first time on clomid. I'm really anxious to see how this all pans out. Yes, I will be sad/upset if we don't become pregnant this cycle, but if I'm not, I'll be anxious to at least see how long the clomid made my LP. If it's 11 or12 days I'll be happy! If it's more than that, even happier. I just hope it makes a good difference, because part of my "obsession" is wondering whether it will work or not. I'll feel so much more at ease next cycle if I at least know how the clomid is working for my LP.

I also feel like I might be documenting my EWCM incorrectly. I feel this way because back when we practiced NFP (and only charted CM), we were taught to record ANY amount of fertile mucous on my chart because we were to avoid sex on those days and consider them fertile days, regardless of how much CM there was. So, if I see even the *slightest* bit of EWCM, I record it as "E" on my chart. I'm starting to think that's a bit silly and makes my chart look like I have 100 days of EWCM which is sort of misleading. Just a spec of it on the toilet paper probably isn't enough to consider that day as part of my fertile window. Especially when I have a day like today and yesterday when there is LOADS of it and it is completely and totally clear that I am having fertile mucous. It makes it very obvious that I will likely ovulate soon rather than the spec or two I might have seen a week ago.

I really hope my temp stays up tomorrow. I'm starting to worry that I might still ovulate late. This worries me only because I don't know if my past late ovulations have been the reason for my miscarriages, or if it was the short LP. Both together can't be a good combo. Even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I would be so happy to see a reasonably normal ovulation with a reasonably-long LP. I would breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I think I O'd today

Only time will tell (i.e. the next few days' temps). My assumptions that I've O'd stem from the Clomid helping me O sooner (I hope), my cervical mucus, and my temp drop yesterday + spike today. I think we're pretty good concerning sex timing. We haven't skipped a day once the EWCM started. Hopefully, things can simmer down in that department. lol. So, I'm potentially in the 2WW as of today but we shall know that for sure in a few days. I hope and pray it IS a 2WW rather than a 9 day wait like it's been every other cycle. I pray that this Clomid has done the trick for my luteal phase. It is definitely a constant worry that it won't.

Part of me (a small part, but a part nonetheless) hopes that I don't get pregnant this first cycle so that I can SEE that the Clomid did, in fact, lengthen my LP or that it didn't. It would make going into the next cycle MUCH easier and less stressful in that respect. We'll just see what's in store for us.