Today

Phantom symptoms (7dpo):

-Queasiness after bloodwork. This may seem like it's stupid, but I am always perfectly fine with bloodwork and have never felt strange afterwards. So this was different for me, even if it is just totally a fluke from the bloodwork.

-Pounding headache.

-Pink-tinged creamy CM, which I have never had before, and is coming after 2 days of very random red drops on the toilet paper (can hardly even call that spotting).

-Overwhelming hope. ::sigh:: I told myself, "don't get excited. Don't read into things. Don't test early. Don't get your hopes up." FAIL. Well, I haven't tested... I am not that stupid. I will wait until Thursday (10dpo) at the earliest and that's only because I have 5 internet cheapies so I don't care about wasting one or two for early testing.

-Very tired. I wouldn't say I'm feeling exhausted, but the last couple days I have had virtually no energy and have just wanted naps. Could also be the time change. ::shrugs::

Like I said, phantom symptoms.

Spotting again

Looks the same as yesterday. Only after a bowel movement. I assume all the pressure of the BM pushes those few drops of blood out from my cervix. I inspected all other areas to see if I was bleeding from something else (since it's red) and nothing. I wish I knew what is common for me on Clomid, but since it's my first Clomid cycle, I have no idea if this is common for me or abnormal.

I have started feeling super hopeful today. I don't know why. I hate being hopeful. It just sets me up for major let down and I know that. Logically, I realize that conception is not as easy as we'd hope it would be, but I know we have very good timing and I'm having this mysterious spotting that is causing me to think it could be implantation.

If I were pregnant right now, my due date would be November 29th. For some reason, that just feels good to say. In my last pregnancy, I didn't feel connected at all and wasn't optimistic at all. Physically I didn't feel pregnant, but mentally and emotionally I didn't either. I don't know if that's because I had already been through a m/c and I was naturally pessimistic, or if it's because subconsciously I knew that it wasn't going to end well.

I thought I would feel the same way about TTC this time and becoming pregnant again. Maybe it's the medication that's giving me more hope. Or maybe it's because it might actually end well this time. I wish I knew, of course, how it will all end up, but in the meantime, I truly feel like this may end the way I hope it will.

And now... I'm quite possibly jinxing myself for saying such things.

::knocks on wood::

In the 2WW

At least, I think I am. My chart says I'm 5dpo today. I went in at 3dpo for bloodwork (CD 21 routine bloodwork, which ideally is at 7dpo, but I didn't ovulate on CD 14 like the textbook says I should). Doctor called yesterday with my bloodwork results and it had not shown that I ovulated. I was bummed out.

I told her that I was pretty certain (based on a +OPK and charting my temps) that I was only 3dpo at the time of the bloodwork so she asked me to come in Monday which will be 7dpo for more bloodwork. Hopefully, it shows I ovulated like my chart does and that my progesterone levels are good. If they aren't, I'll be going on progesterone supplements.

If it doesn't show that I O'd, then she wants to try me on 100mg of Clomid next cycle. She's also going to discuss with me taking the Clomid on CD 3-7 rather than CD 5-9 which could help me to O earlier, around CD 14 like I am "supposed" to.

If it shows that I O'd but all my numbers are low, then she doesn't think I had a good chance at conception and still wants to try me on 100mg of Clomid next cycle for a stronger O. (Oh goody... does that mean twice as much acne for me?!... and headaches?! Yay!)

If I ovulated and my numbers are decent/good, then she'll keep me on 50mg of Clomid next cycle if I didn't conceive this cycle.

I had spotting this morning. A few dots of red blood only when I wiped. At first I though I could be bleeding down there, like had a bump or a cut or something since it was bright red (spotting for me is usually brown right before AF shows). It's awfully early for any spotting to happen even with my typically short LP. I also feel a bit crampy like AF is coming. I don't typically get stomach cramps but more so lower back aches. I will be seriously disappointed if AF comes as early as usual. Honestly, if I'm not pregnant this cycle I will be totally OK with that. I just really, really want my LP to be a normal length so I can lift that weight off my shoulders. After all, that's the only reason I went on Clomid in the first place. The spotting could be implantation, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up. It does sound an awful lot like what is described online... so I guess only time will tell if that's what it is.

In the past, my LP would be up in 4 days. If AF comes in 6-8 days, I will be happy! I do have cheap pregnancy tests on hand, but I don't even feel tempted at this point. I guess I just don't have my hopes up especially hearing the bloodwork results yesterday. Maybe if my bloodwork comes back better on Tuesday I will start to feel more like it's possible that I'm pregnant.

Working toward 2 things is way better than 1.

Why should my whole life revolve around TTC? It SHOULDN'T! ::whacks forehead::

Ever since I decided that I shouldn't have to choose between 2 things: getting pregnant & going to NK9 - I have been sooooo much happier, more relaxed, content, happy, etc. If I *had* to choose one it would definitely be getting pregnant because that is ultimately what I want most in life, of course. But that doesn't mean my life has to stop and other goals have to be put on hold to make that happen.

So, we will continue this cycle (obviously) and do one more Clomid cycle next time (if needed) and after that, I'll be going to NK9! If I become pregnant - YAY!!! If not, at least I will have been looking forward and excited about this other adventure in my life, and we can resume TTC plans when I return.

I know this post is pretty similar to my last one, but just wanted to write it out how excited I am with this decision/compromise. It really isn't much of a compromise because I'm working toward 2 things that make me really happy.

Blah

I'm so over this cycle already. That's really quite silly of me to say, but it's true. Taking temperatures every morning hoping that my temp goes up is an emotional rollercoaster. I really had hoped that Clomid would help me O a few days sooner, but it doesn't appear that will be the case.

I am hesitant to say, but it looks like I may have ovulated yesterday. I got a positive OPK on Sunday, then my temp dropped yesterday morning and spiked this morning. But if you look at my chart, it has pretty much done that the last week and a half... drop big, spike up, then drop again. So, I am not really hopeful that it will stay up tomorrow. I fully expect another drop, just because.

I have bloodwork on Thursday afternoon to see if I've ovulated and to test my progesterone. I feel like that's stupid when I know I haven't ovulated, but it's part of the process. If I *did* ovulate yesterday, then maybe it won't be pointless after all, so I certainly hope I did. Why pay for bloodwork when it's pointless? Dr. said I had to do it in order to continue on Clomid, so I will go as planned.

In other news... DH and I made the decision that we will try one more round of Clomid and if we're not successful, I will go to National K9 this summer. I know, I am crazy. It's just that now that I am focusing on getting pregnant, I am starting to miss the idea of going to NK9. It just shows how important both things are to me. Honestly, if I became pregnant I would not regret canceling NK9 at ALL. But if I don't get pregnant, then why not go? My Dr. doesn't want me to be on Clomid longer than 3 cycles at a time, so stopping at 2 cycles isn't that big of a difference. It would give my body a break over the summer and then I could try it again (or whatever we decide with my Dr.) once I get back.

So, right now I am focusing on both things. I'm continuing my plan for NK9 and assuming I will go, but if we become pregnant in the time being, that would just be wonderful.

So I'm obsessive, but I'm not.

I honestly feel like I'm not obsessing this go 'round. The last time we were TTC, it was all-consuming for me. All I could do was think about becoming pregnant, looking at baby websites, reading baby books, researching baby products, etc. It's all I could talk about with anyone who would listen (usually just family and DH). I had a hard time focusing on anything else!

But this time, I really am not letting it consume me. I'm not sure why. It's not taking much effort to do so. We have a lot going on in other aspects of our life, so it doesn't leave me much time to obsess. I think it's a good thing! We are deep into a landscaping project out front and when it's finished, we'll be even deeper in a BIG landscaping renovation in the backyard. Work is keeping me super busy so there's not much time to relax at all. My sister is pregnant, so I've been spending a lot of time thinking about her, helping her, and talking with my family about her future little one.

Part of me IS obsessive, though. My chart. ::sigh:: I think it's because it's my first time on clomid. I'm really anxious to see how this all pans out. Yes, I will be sad/upset if we don't become pregnant this cycle, but if I'm not, I'll be anxious to at least see how long the clomid made my LP. If it's 11 or12 days I'll be happy! If it's more than that, even happier. I just hope it makes a good difference, because part of my "obsession" is wondering whether it will work or not. I'll feel so much more at ease next cycle if I at least know how the clomid is working for my LP.

I also feel like I might be documenting my EWCM incorrectly. I feel this way because back when we practiced NFP (and only charted CM), we were taught to record ANY amount of fertile mucous on my chart because we were to avoid sex on those days and consider them fertile days, regardless of how much CM there was. So, if I see even the *slightest* bit of EWCM, I record it as "E" on my chart. I'm starting to think that's a bit silly and makes my chart look like I have 100 days of EWCM which is sort of misleading. Just a spec of it on the toilet paper probably isn't enough to consider that day as part of my fertile window. Especially when I have a day like today and yesterday when there is LOADS of it and it is completely and totally clear that I am having fertile mucous. It makes it very obvious that I will likely ovulate soon rather than the spec or two I might have seen a week ago.

I really hope my temp stays up tomorrow. I'm starting to worry that I might still ovulate late. This worries me only because I don't know if my past late ovulations have been the reason for my miscarriages, or if it was the short LP. Both together can't be a good combo. Even if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I would be so happy to see a reasonably normal ovulation with a reasonably-long LP. I would breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I think I O'd today

Only time will tell (i.e. the next few days' temps). My assumptions that I've O'd stem from the Clomid helping me O sooner (I hope), my cervical mucus, and my temp drop yesterday + spike today. I think we're pretty good concerning sex timing. We haven't skipped a day once the EWCM started. Hopefully, things can simmer down in that department. lol. So, I'm potentially in the 2WW as of today but we shall know that for sure in a few days. I hope and pray it IS a 2WW rather than a 9 day wait like it's been every other cycle. I pray that this Clomid has done the trick for my luteal phase. It is definitely a constant worry that it won't.

Part of me (a small part, but a part nonetheless) hopes that I don't get pregnant this first cycle so that I can SEE that the Clomid did, in fact, lengthen my LP or that it didn't. It would make going into the next cycle MUCH easier and less stressful in that respect. We'll just see what's in store for us.

Already?

I have EWCM already. I am only on CD 10. I hope this means that I will be ovulating at an early/"normal" timeframe! In the past, I've usually O'd around CD20-22 but sometimes even later, in the mid 30's. So, to possibly O this early in my cycle is awesome. Guess I'm glad we started having sex a couple days ago. I thought about waiting a few days because I didn't really think there was a chance I could O so closely after AF stopped. We shall see what happens.

In other news... no adverse side effects as of yet. A couple headaches that were manageable but definitely noticeable. I felt a little "sensitive" today with my emotions but that could be anything. Again, nothing major. So that's good (knock on wood).

[BTW, I'm documenting all this stuff for my own self so I can remember and communicate any details necessary with my doctor should future clomid cycles be needed.]

My chart looks wonky right now. I've never had 3 morning temperatures be the same. Strange! I tested my thermometer and it's not broken, so there's really nothing to worry about. It's just odd to look at. Hopefully tomorrow my temp will do something different. Because I'm weird like that. :-P

Last Pill... yipee! Bring on the crazies.

So I've heard I may get some pretty ridonkulous mood swings here shortly. That should be interesting. :) I'm hoping I'm one of the lucky ones who isn't affected like that, lol. I did get a really monster headache last night and I think it could have been from the meds, but I guess I can't be totally sure on that. We'll see if it's a pattern... I hope not.

I'm glad to be done with the last dose because I have been seriously paranoid of forgetting one. I have taken them in the mornings and my mornings are usually pretty busy getting ready for work, making breakfast, taking care of the dogs and whatnot. I don't know how much time variance plays a role in its effectiveness but I was really worried I'd forget in the AM and have to take it when I got home from work. Luckily it never happened.

I hate that I have NO idea when I'll ovulate. Usually, I have a lot of EWCM which helps me to know O is coming. But with Clomid, it can actually dry you up. So, I can't bank on the EWCM signal at this point. I also can't base it on my last few charts which had me O'ing on or around CD20. I'm hoping it helps me O sooner, which would help me feel more confident that I didn't release an "old egg" that may have issues in and of itself. But I don't know if it'll help me O sooner. So again, just lots of "I don't knows."

I got the OPKs in the mail so I will begin using those. In the past, I've used them and haven't gotten a positive, even when my temps show I've clearly ovulated. So, I either missed the LH surge or it wasn't strong enough to be present in my urine. I don't feel really confident in OPKs, but I do hope they give me a positive so I can feel good about our timing before O actually happens. :)

In the meantime, we're having sex every other day. Maybe we'll have it everyday, I guess it just depends on the mood. ;-) I figure that's pretty safe.

Nothing exciting...

Though for some reason, taking that pill every morning makes me excited! In both attempts at TTC, we were able to become pregnant relatively quickly... it was just a matter of keeping the pregnancy -- holding the pregnancy. So, if this beautiful little pill has to be taken 5 times in order to hold the pregnancy, I will take it and do cartwheels at the same time.

Who knows if it will work. The reality of the situation is I have no idea, and I'm very worried and stressed about that aspect. But I'm obviously TTC because we want to have a baby, so I can't let the worry get in my way. It's either we try, or we don't.

I wish it would happen this first cycle. Wishful thinking huh? Yeah. But if you count all the months we've TTC in the past, waited after m/c's, and tried again... it's actually more like a year and a half of combined cycles that we've been trying.

I've been praying so hard everyday. So hard.

Getting excited

I wish I didn't have so much hope for this first Clomid cycle. I know there's nothing that makes me particularly more likely to conceive or hold the pregnancy if we do, but I still have so much hope and excitement right now. In a way I wish I didn't because it just ends up in more disappointment.

Today was my "heavy" day of AF. It sucks. It's always the WORST day of cramps, like, OMG laying on the couch with a heating pad all day kind of cramps. :( So, I'm pretty happy to see today end.

I start my first dose of Clomid on Tuesday. Less than 2 days away!

CD 1

AF showed up today... right "on time." Another 9-day luteal phase. I had silly hopes that this cycle would have a 10-day luteal phase. But sure enough, around 3:00 p.m. she showed up and our first Clomid cycle has officially begun.

I don't begin to take it until CD 5, so 4 more days I will take my first pill. I take it for 5 days. I am nervous for the side effects but plan to take them in the evening to help minimize anything. I also spoke with my doctor and asked about Vitamin B-6. She said she is perfectly fine with me taking 100mg of B-6 each day with my prenatal vitamin (PNV). B-6 *can* naturally lengthen your luteal phase, but the results are less than consistent. It can't hurt though and at this point, I'd like anything that may help.

So I don't suppose there is too much to report at this point but I'll be sure to update once the Clomid begins. At this point, if I have a 28 day cycle (my cycles are normally 28-30 days so I'm only assuming here....) I will likely be testing on March 18th. Hopefully, I will ovulate around March 3-4-5th which would be great timing in my cycle, rather than ovulating late which is what my cycles normally do. I can be hopeful, right? I ordered a bunch of ovulation predictor test strips so they should arrive next week and I can use those, in addition to my temperatures, to time sex appropriately.

Such an exciting time to be TTC again... but also, so very nervewracking and scary! What if it happens again? I'm not sure I could take a 3rd miscarriage and continue on...

::praying hard::

I have LPD

Luteal Phase Defect.

A fairly common problem among women with fertility problems, luteal phase defect (LPD) can impact your fertility by preventing implantation and cause early miscarriages.

What Is It?
During a normal menstrual cycle, the luteal phase will begin after ovulation and last until your period starts. It is during this time that the corpus luteum releases progesterone, getting the endometrial lining ready for implantation. However, women who are affected by LPD are either unable to produce enough progesterone during the luteal phase or the endometrium does not respond appropriately to the progesterone stimulation. The end result is that the endometrial lining is not sufficiently prepared for implantation.

It is difficult to pinpoint one specific cause of LPD. There are many different factors that can affect your menstrual cycle and any one of these can affect the production of progesterone during the luteal phase. For a rare few women, though, LPD will be caused by thyroid problems or hyperprolactinemia. Hyperprolactinemia occurs when there are abnormally high levels of prolactin, the hormone responsible for milk production, in a woman’s system.

(Copied & pasted from http://www.fertilityfactor.com/infertility_luteal_phase_defect)

Because of being so adamant in charting my cycles, I was able to quickly learn and show my doctor that my luteal phase is typically too short (9 days). My doctor was ready and willing to treat my LPD using Clomid, which corrects the corpus luteum, and lengthens my luteal phase (LP). At the time, I was not ready.

Six, seven months later, we're ready! I called my doctor and she's completely on board. She called in my prescription and I will begin next cycle. Wow. It's all happening so fast, but really, it's not. We've been discussing this for a while and it's just finally come to a head.

Friends/family don't know yet. They still think I intend to go to National K9. Believe me when I say, I am not intending to be dishonest with anyone. I am just not ready to share. I will share as soon as we feel ready. With the heartache we've had so far, we are being very cautious. Also, lots of people we know have opinions about decisions we make. It doesn't necessarily mean we CHANGE our minds, but it sure does make the decision-making process a negative one. We are ready to take this step in our lives together, as a couple. We hope our friends and family understand, and we know they will. People may think that we're "only 25" and "have our whole lives ahead of us," but we have wanted this for so many years, and are so excited to TTC again.

We just hope this is the answer to our prayers. Who knows if it will be. Lots of uncertainty and lots of heartache could come from this. We're prepared for that. But you have to have a little optimism to start a new journey, right? Here we go...

My first post

Well, what brought me here? If you know me, you know that I have had a rough few years. Not all of it, but some of it. It started with my first miscarriage in May of 2007. We then tried to get pregnant for several months after that, but were not successful. We took a break, finished college, started careers, and decided in April of 2008 is was time to try again. In August, I became pregnant, but it was very short-lived. I miscarried again.

After miscarriage #2, a lot of thinking happened. What am I supposed to do with my life? My current career was no longer what I wanted. I realized that it wasn't what I was cut out for. I could not see myself doing that for many more years, by any stretch of the imagination. In my heart, all I want to do is be a stay at home mom. But clearly, God didn't have this in his plans -- or eat least right now.

To keep my mind and focus off of it all, I decided to reach for the stars and pursue a new passion of mine -- dogs! Dog training, to be specific. I decided I wanted to attend National K9 and immediately began obsessing over this new dream of mine. It was easy to do. It felt good to stop focusing on the heartache and start focusing on a new plan. We began saving like crazy, and all I could do was think/talk about it! I was very excited.

Well, a few months into all the planning, my heart began to shift again. I think I had just allowed myself ample time to recover/grieve the miscarriage and no longer be so affected by it emotionally. I was able to see babies again, think about starting a family, and dream of THAT dream once more.

Before I knew it, I no longer wanted to attend NK9. The TTC plans were in full swing again. This story is the incredibly shortened version, but basically, after months of discussions with DH as well as prayer and lots of self-discovery, I knew in my heart that this is the path I need to take. I have no idea how it will turn out, but I can only hope that this is finally the right time for us.